What might happen if Susan decided she wanted to get intimate with Brady!
Jail House Rock (Part One)
– Wayne-Daniel Berard
Soaps Spoilers is back with another amazing Days of our Lives fanfiction story by Wayne-Daniel. This time, in keeping with what’s going on in the current story between Susan Banks (Stacy Haiduk), Brady Black (Eric Martsolf), and Chloe Lane (Nadia Bjorlin), Susan and Kristen have traded places with each other. While Susan’s in Statesville, Kristen has moved in with Dr. Marlena Evans (Deidre Hall) and John Black (Drake Hogestyn). Chloe comes up with an idea on how to curb Kristen’s jealousy by planning a loving event, and it backfires. Truly hilarious!
Scene: Statesville Prison
Susan and Kristen have changed places. Susan-as-Kristen stands at the payphone.
“I guess I’d better call Brady,” she says to herself aloud. “He’s used to hearing from me — from Kristen — regular-like. Don’t want him to get suspicious. But what do I do about my smoooooth southern manner o’ speakin’?”
Scene change.
John and Marlena’s townhouse. Brady is sitting up in a chair, shirtless; Chloe is changing his bandage and eyeing him like a meat raffle at Arby’s!
Brady’s cell goes off.
“Yes, I’ll accept the charges. Hi, Kristen! How are you? What’s that? I can barely hear you?”
“I’ve got a terrible cold,” Susan rasps and whispers. “It hurts to talk — but I didn’t want you to worry if you didn’t hear from me.”
“Oh, ok.” Brady is all concerned. “I won’t keep you on, then. But are they taking good care of you?”
“Oh, sure,” Susan replies. “They’re fine with me here. Are you doing alright?”
“Absolutely. Not to worry. I’m getting excellent care.” Brady smiles at Chloe.
“From that Chloe Lane?” Susan makes sure to sound bitter.
“And my Dad and Marlena, too.” Brady tries to sound reassuring. “And Susan Banks is still here. She’s being VERY attentive. Chloe is just one part of my great care team. So don’t worry. You know I love YOU, right?”
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“Sure, sure,” Susan replies. “But you know what my mama always said — ‘Don’t trust any woman whose eyes are as big as her aureoles!’”
“Kristen, you were an orphan,” Brady interjects.
Susan starts to fake-cough desperately. “Yes, but I did know my mama for a while before she got herself blowed up, right? I’ve got to go, Brady; got to find me some horehounds in this place. But don’t you let any hores hound you, hear me! Bye! Luv you!”
Brady looks at his cell quizzically.
“That was the weirdest call I’ve ever had!” he says.
“She still going on about me?” Chloe asks.
“Yeah, worse than ever,” Brady answers. “I try and I try to reassure her, but nothing seems to work.”
“Did you tell her I’m working my way back to Philip?”
“Didn’t have a chance,” Brady says. “Not that I’m really happy about that development. My uncle puts the ‘uck’ in ‘scum bucket!’”
“Now, now!” Chloe smiles scoldingly. “Who hasn’t carried their share of THAT bucket, after all?”
Brady shrugs. “True.”
“But here’s what I don’t understand,” she continues. “You love Kristen. You’re committed to her. You have a child together. Why not just marry her? That should put all her fears to rest!”
Brady looks stunned. Then he begins to smile.
“What a great idea!” he beams. “I bet they allow prison weddings!”
“Prison what, now?” Kristen (disguised as Susan Banks) has just entered the room.
“I’m going to surprise Kristen and marry her right there in Statesville!” Brady announces. “My dad knows the warden real well. I’ll have him make the call. I’m strong enough for this now.”
“Now, you don’t want to be hasty!” Kristen’s ‘Susan voice’ kicks up a couple of registers! “I mean, a prison ceremony? Doesn’t every girl dream of a big, fancy church wedding?”
“Oh, they can do a vow renewal once Kristen gets out,” Chloe chimes in. “But think how Kristen will feel knowing Brady loves her so much he doesn’t want to wait.”
“And that she doesn’t have to worry about other women!” Brady jumps in. “I’ll make sure she knows the whole thing was Chloe’s idea.”
“Chloe’s idea.” Kristen shoots daggers through her big glasses. “That’s just SO sweet of her! Now, if you’ll ‘scuse me; I gotta go to the market. The nice feller there said he’d order me some pralines and bourbon balls, straight from Nashville. Yum-yum!”
Outside the door, Kristen stops, breathing fire.
“Damn you, Chloe! Even when you’re not trying to break us up, you’re breaking us up! What the hell do I do now?!”
Scene change: Lani and Eli’s apartment.
Lani is smiling over her twins. Her cell rings.
“Detective Grant! Oh, hi, Susan?” Lani says
“Lani, Lani!” Waking through the park, Kristen is doing her best to impersonate a frantic Susan. “You gotta call the prison! I need to talk to Kristen DiMera!”
“Susan, slow down!” Lani says. “What’s going on? Why do you have to talk to Kristen?”
“Oh, Lordy, Lordy!” Kristen is moaning. “I had one of my premonitions! Kristen DiMera’s in terrible danger! I need to warn her! But she can’t take calls in there, and she’s got no reason to ever call me! You’re a cop, Lani; you could get a message to her to call me.”
“Gee, Susan, I don’t know,” Lani stalls. “Premonitions . . . ?”
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“Don’t you doubt the Lord, Lani Price Grant, not after he just brought your babies back to ya! I thought Kristen was your best friend!”
“She is my best friend,” Lani answers. “But —“
“If if’s and but’s were wishes and nuts, some nut wouldn’t have kidnapped your babies!” Kristen continues. “How’re you gonna feel if my vision comes true, and you didn’t warn her? Some best friend you’d be!”
“Okay, okay! I’ll make a call,” Lani capitulates. “But what type of danger is Kristen in ?”
“That’s just fine, thank you. Bye now!” And Kristen hangs up.
(After a brief commercial break, we see Kristen-as-Susan pacing back and forth in the park. Finally, her phone rings).
“Yes, I’ll accept the charges. Susan?”
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“What is it! They said it was an emergency! Did somethin’ happen to my Roger on tour?”
“No, nothing like that,” Kristen answers hastily. “Listen! Brady is planning a prison wedding!”
“A prison wedding!” Susan squeals. “Bless his heart, isn’t that sweet! For when?”
“No, it’s not sweet!” Kristen shouts into the phone. “It’s a disaster — and it’s soon. He wants to surprise me — er, you! We need to make the switch back right away!”
“But what about you keepin’ an eye on that no-good Chloe Lane?” Susan asks.
“Turns out she’s not the threat I thought she was,” Kristen replies. “Look, I’ll be there right as visitors’ hours start tomorrow. Be ready!”
“Well, I don’t know . . .” Susan drawls in reply.
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Kristen demands.
“Well, that Brady Black, he is quite the hunka hunka burnin’ love,” Susan fantasizes. “I wouldn’t mind a couple hours in the Play Pen with him!”
“In the what?” Susan asks.
“The Play Pen. That’s what we jail gals call the conjugal trailer they got round back? Only for married prisoners, of course — which is what I’d be. I mean, if they allow the weddin’ they must allow the honeymoon, too, right?”
“You wouldn’t DARE!” Kristen is turning purple.
“Well, why not?” Susan continues. “I gotta get somethin’ outa this here arrangement! You’ll still be married to Brady for all anybody knows, and I’ll get to let him be my teddy bear for one time. Sounds like a win-win to me. We can switch back next week sometime, ok? Bye!”
“Susan! Don’t you hang up on me! SUSAN!” And Kristen throws the phone to the ground. “That blue suede bitch!” she snarls!
Jail House Rock (Part Two)
Scene: the Visitors’ Room at Statesville
Present are Susan-as-Kristen, Brady, Lani, John, and Marlena. Everyone is wearing masks. Lani’s is dark blue with SPD in yellow letters. Marlena’s seems to feature a watercolor of flowers. John’s has the Chicago Cubs logo. Susan’s is red with a blue circle holding three stars.
Loni steps forward and fixes a short, white veil made of tule to the top of Susan’s head. She already has a small bouquet of red roses in her hands.
“Now you’re all set,” Lani smiles to her friend.
Susan nods.
“That’s ok. Save your voice for the vows,” Lani says. “I know you haven’t been feeling great.”
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“Thanks, Dad,” Brady turns to John. He looks very sharp in his blue suit (which complements Susan’s prison garb). “I appreciate you calling the warden for this. And for getting Marlena okayed to do the ceremony. I’m sure the prison chaplain is nice, but this means so much more.”
“I’ve done a lot of work for the prison,” Marlena adds. “They were happy to accommodate. Shall we start?”
Brady and Susan face each other. Marlena stands centered behind them, John beside his son and Lani beside “Kristen.”
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the love of Brady and Kristen. It is said that the heart knows no bounds of time or space, and we certainly bear witness to that today.
“A poet once wrote:
Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage . . .
If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone, that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty.
Kristen, Brady, in your committed love for each other, your souls are indeed free. We are privileged to soar with you today.
“Shall we proceed to the vows? Our time is limited. Brady?”
Brady clears his throat and looks at his bride.
“Kristen, I wish our Rachel could be with us today, but I wanted to respect your wishes about not having her here in this place. Just know that I speak for the both of us when I say: I love you. I take you to be my wife and treasure you as the mother of our child. It was a long road to get here, and, yes, we have a bit to go. But please know you are my home and Rachel’s joy. No matter what, we are never truly apart.” And he slips the ring on her finger.
“Kristen?” Marlena invites.
“Well, Brady,” Susan says hoarsely, “Wise men say, ‘Only fools rush in.’ But I can’t help falling in love with you. I love you tender, love you sweet. And it’s now or never. So, come hold me — TIGHT!” And she puts the ring on his finger.
“For obvious reasons, we must forgo kissing the bride,” Marlena says. “But nonetheless I do pronounce you husband and wife.”
Everyone cheers!
Susan’s eyes are glowing! She grabs Brady by the arm and heads for the door.
“Guard!” She calls out. Then she waves to the assembled guests. “If the Play Pen’s a-raucous, it’s just us Kiriakis!” she announces as they exit the room!
Jail House Rock (Conclusion)
Scene, the Conjugal Trailer at Statesville
A guard opens the door; Brady and Susan—as-Kristen walk in. It’s a bit seedy.
“Well, I’ve been in worst places,” Brady laughs, “but they were coke dens. Still, it doesn’t matter.” He turns back to his bride. “We’re together.”
Susan starts to peel off his shirt. The bandage is quite obvious.
“Take it a little easy, ok?” Brady smiles. “I’m still banged up.”
“Oh, I love it when you talk dirty,” Susan squeals.
Brady has his mask off, but Susan retains hers.
“Just turn that light off and lay back, darlin’,” she says. “Let mama drive.”
The lighting is now shaded but shapes are still visible. We can see one shape moving slowly down the form of another. As it arrives below the waistline, we see a flutter in the air. A mask has been shed. The camera shifts to Brady’s face. Then . . .
His face contorts, and he shouts out in pain!
“What the hell’s going on down there! Are you digging a trench or something?!”
He reaches over and turns on the lamp. Susan pops up, maskless — revealing a prodigious overbite!
“Susan!!” Brady is aghast!
“Don’t be cruel?” Susan smiles guiltily.
Scene change: John and Marlena’s townhouse.
Kristen-as-Susan is pacing frantically. “I’ll kill her!” she says to herself. “We’ll trade places. Then I’ll put out a hit on her. Ava will help me. I’ll teach that hillbilly harlot to sleep with MY man!”
A knock on the door.
“So soon?” Kristen says to herself. She opens to door to see — Roger, Susan’s boyfriend and Elvis impersonator extraordinaire, suitcase in hand.
“Honey child!” he opens his arms. “I missed you!” He grabs her in a huge bear hug — and Kristen’s fake teeth go flying over his shoulder.
“Not again!” Kristen groans. “Damn, Fixodent sucks!”
“Who the hell are you?” Roger demands to know.
“A Beatles fan,” Kristen snarls. “And you’re about to have a Hard Day’s Night.” Kristen has reached for the ornate vase by the door and whacks Roger over the head with it.
Scene change: Conjugal Trailer, Statesville
Brady strains to put his shirt back on.
“I can’t believe this! You’re saying that Kristen and you switched places because she was worried about Chloe?!”
“Don’t be too hard on her, now, Brady,” Susan pleads. “Remember all those pretty vows.”
“That I made to YOU, not to HER!!” Brady shouts. “What were you both thinking?!”
“Shh! Shh!” Susan comes right up to Brady and puts her hands on his chest (longingly?) “The guard’ll hear you! If this gets out, Kristen never will! And neither will I!”
“You’re right about that much,” Brady moves her hands away. “We’ll just keep up the pretense. Then you and Kristen can switch back tomorrow.”
“Don’t you think we’d better turn up the volume on that pretensin’ a little?” Susan smiles wickedly. “I mean, we need to be convincin’, don’t we, hubby mine?” And she begins banging her hand on the wall.
The camera switches to show the guard outside the trailer door. Audio picks up the sound of rhythmic thumping.
“Oh, Brady! I’m all shook up!”
“Kristen! Don’t be cruel — on second thought, go ahead!”
The guard just shakes his head. Then he reaches for his cell phone.
“Honey?” he says into it. “Download a little Elvis in your playlist, ok? I’ll be home in an hour.”
Scene change. Marlena and John’s townhouse.
A figure in a white Elvis jumpsuit, black wig, and dark glasses, back to the camera, leans over a child’s crib.
“Okay, Rachel,” Kristen-as-Elvis lifts up the little girl and turns to the camera. “Time to leave the building.”
The End
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